Premarital Counseling for Nonreligious Couples

In general, (at least in my experience) couples who are looking to have a nonreligious wedding ceremony and a nontraditional wedding officiant don’t tend to seek out premarital counseling or conscious coupling processes. Understandably there’s some confusion regarding the difference between clergy-led premarital counseling where a priest checks off a list that permits you to, or prevents you from, getting married. It’s a process that robs you of your sovereignty and self agency, as you hand over your authority to another human being to make a huge life decision on your behalf. But premarital counseling and reflection at its best is about empowering you to understand yourselves better, to consciously co-create your future, to have the difficult relationship conversations (now vs. later,) and make important relationship agreements, so that you are well prepared for the true terrain of marriage.

Conscious coupling is a similar process, and is really designed to support you in making the right relationship decisions for the right reasons. It’s grounded in self-understanding and relationship skill building. And it’s important! It doesn’t matter how well suited the two of you are, relationships need tending and the sooner you start tending them, the better off you’ll be. The toxic myth of happily ever after has left us ill-equipped to navigate real relationships, with their ebbs and flows, failures and drifts. It’s not always going to be 70 degrees and sunny in your relationship, and knowing how to surf the waves is your best practice. So I’m sharing some resources to help you go into your marriage intentionally, and with your eyes wide open. Please note that there are a couple of affiliate links in this post.

We Do by Stan Tatkin
(Check out The Pact Institute to learn more about Stan Tatkin’s pioneering psychobiological approach to couples therapy.)
Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships by Jayson Gaddis
(Check out Jayson Gaddis’ free podcast: The Relationship School )
Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terrence Real
The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work by Terrence Real
(Terrence Real is a prolific author and writes about male depression in addition to marriage and relationships.)
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
(Esther Perel is the host of the Where Should We Begin podcast.)
How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo
The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships (On Being podcast interview with Alain de Botton)
Your Blueprint for Pleasure: Discover the 5 Erotic Types to Awaken―and Fulfill―Your Desires by Jaiya
(Jaiya was featured on Netflix’ Sex, Love & Goop in 2021.)
Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by John Gottman
(John Gottman is an expert on marital stability and divorce prediction. You can check out his other books and programs at The Gottman Institute.)
Gene Keys - Venus Sequence (for those seeking to understand, take responsibility for, and transform *deep* relational patterns)

“Love does not feel chaotic, it’s not a roller coaster and a lot of us are conditioned to think that it is. So that when we get into a healthy dynamic it can feel boring with no passion. In order to understand what is healthy for us in relationship, we need to examine our own conditioning. We need to look at what our family programming was like and what we learned about love and relationship from them. Then we can see where we are carrying those programs into our present day reality and how it is impacting what kind of relationships we are calling in.” —Sheleana Aiyana